beautifulsurprise's Momaroo

Sex and Pregnancy

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:10:50 GMT

Whoever told my boyfriend that pregnant women wanted sex even more should be shot.

I'll get right to the point of my blog today. How do you have sex during pregnancy? Where exactly does that urge come from?

I must be having a harder time than most. I would like nothing more than to go to bed at promptly 6:45 every night. My boyfriend doesn't get home from work until 8:30pm usually, and then has to eat and take a shower and wind down before he comes to bed. So by 10 he's ready for sex and I, well I would like nothing more than to spike his toothpaste with Nyquil. (I kid, I kid) It's only 8:00 on a Friday night and I am so tired from the week that my muscles are tingling with tiredness. As I write this, the dryer buzzer goes off and I must get through another 2 loads of laundry before bed..

Also, how does one feel sexy during pregnancy? I felt sexy up until about 15 weeks. Now at 24 weeks I feel like I whale. Everything on my body is changing and blimping up and I have cellulite for the first time ever. How on earth could he find me attractive? He tells me he thinks I am sexy, only when I mention it (rarely anymore), and only because he knows better than to tell a pregnant woman she is unattractive.

I keep thinking of something I read: in order to keep the romance alive, married couples should have sex 3-5 times a week. A week! Among my married friends, the number ranges from 2-5. Seriously? I'm not entirely sure we've had sex 5 times during my entire pregnancy. It's to the point where if I say something suggestive he laughs at me and tells me to stop teasing him. "But I'm not teasing you." "Yeah right. *turns on tv*" Obviously it's not always been like this, or I wouldn't be in my current pregnant state.

I am trying though, I am not giving up that easily. I rented a hotel room for tomorrow night to get away from everything. He doesn't know this yet. I am already dreading him expecting sex.

Any advice for a frustrated pregnant girl?

Homicide Is Wrong

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:32:32 GMT

I find myself repeating that phrase many times per day. Stress is completely enveloping every aspect of my life right now. Everyone tells me to not stress during pregnancy, I'd like to smack them upside the head most of the time.

Oh, hey, happy sidenote: I find out if it's a boy or girl on January 30th! I'm 16 1/2 weeks now, I can't wait to start feeling it move. Maybe it will make it seem more real...

First of all, my grandma is in the hospital 2 1/2 hours away and was only given until this past Sunday to live. By some miracle she is still alive, barely, but it's agonizing every time my phone goes off or I get an email notification. Is this it? It's really wearing on me. And the 5 hour drive I've made 3 out of the past 5 days.

Not to mention that my family is driving me absolutely crazy. And I do mean C-R-A-Z-Y. My aunt is the only one who can update us regularly on my grandma's condition, and she is crazy. Seriously, she really is not all there. She is nice and I love her and all, but she has lost touch with reality a LONG time ago. It's worse now because she keeps relaying positive things, yet everyone else knows that these things are totally imaginary. Now I feel like a horrible person because I want to believe my grandma is going to make it, but at the same time every time I hear something positive I have to remind myself that it's not true and that she's dying. That's so very hard to do.

Next, I am trying not to kill the BF. I don't know why, but I am taking everything he says so seriously and defensively. We have gotten in a fight every night for the past week. I get upset and then I get defensive and then we argue. One time it was because he said "I have to invite you..." and I went off about how I don't need his pity or charity. He made me feel bad one night because I didn't want to go anywhere that night, right after my grandma was put in the hospital. And another time it was over sex. I had been up there in the hospital for 3 days straight, I finally come home and he said he wants more sex in general to be close and make me feel good. Um, I don't need sex in order to feel better about us, and really? I'm supposed to be In The Mood when my grandma is dying? Puh-leeze.

I don't even know why I am getting so upset about everything he says. I think I still resent him for everything. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want my whole life to change in just a couple of months, I want to go hang out with my friends and party and drink and not have to be in bed by 10pm. He still has his life, he still parties with his friends. We have fought about this before.

You know when the last time I saw him 2 days in a row was? Yeah, me either. I brought that up, and his reason was "I just think you'll get sick of me. I'm just scared I push you the wrong ways." Living with someone is a huge step, it's a huge stressor to get used to anyway. I'm pretty sure adding a baby to that is NOT going to help the situation.

The "M" word (marriage) was thrown around the other night. I said "I think I want to M you someday" and then promptly had a panic attack. The last relationship I was in, we were engaged. I haven't even dated anyone since then, until BF. I'm still not completely over those trust issues, and the way I feel now I'm not sure if I ever will be. I do honestly believe that BF loves me and will stay with me, and that he wants to spend his life with me. But other guys have said that to me and they all left end the end. I'm just protecting myself. But by doing that I am also pushing away something that could be the Real Deal.

I thought writing about everything would make me feel better, more at ease, but it hasn't. Sorry.

I saw the baby!

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 23:07:58 GMT

So I went in for my first appointment last week (11 weeks). At the end of it, the nurse said "let's go find the heartbeat if you want." I didn't even know it was an option. So we go into a room and she tries to find it with the little machine thing first. She couldn't find it, so she waited a minute and then tried again. She searched for about 5 minutes and couldn't find anything. No one told me not to freak out, by the way. Then she announces that I need to have an ultrasound "to make sure it's growing well" (might as well have said 'to make sure it's not dead'). So she sticks B and I back out in the waiting room and I'm trying not to bawl and of course he's all happy and talking and I just want to tell him to shut up but I couldn't even talk.

So they take us into the ultrasound room finally and there it was, wiggling around. She couldn't find the heartbeat because it wouldn't stop moving. You could see the legs and a foot, and in both of the pictures we got to take home the right hand is sticking up. It was pretty cute that once I calmed down it stopped moving.

It was so surreal, I had to remind myself that it wasn't on tv, that's really MY baby. That is so amazing they can do that, that they can give me a picture of my baby when it's not even 3 months old.

How do you not work???

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 18:06:41 GMT

How is it even possible to be a stay at home mom? I would love to be able to stay with my child once it is born, but there is something called bills..my bills alone take up 1/2 of what I bring home. And daycare around here is, for the CHEAPEST, at least $600 a month (which is the other half of my money). So that leaves no money for diapers, clothes, doctors visits, etc. The father is going to help out but he is in the same boat I am right now, bills take up the majority of what we bring home. So how do I do it? Even if I quit, I would still have to work part-time somewhere to be able to make enough to pay my bills.

My problem is that I have only worked at my current job for 4 months. I can't march in there and demand a raise (plus they aren't going to give me the $2/hr more I would need). I feel like I am using them if I leave right after my maternity leave. (Plus, they would just fire me anyway if I told them I didn't plan on coming back..so there's 6 weeks of money gone when I can't work). I'd lose my insurance before the baby is born and would have the hospital bill out-of-pocket. But if I take my maternity leave, and come back for a couple of weeks and then quit, it just doesn't seem fair to the employer.

I can't stand the thought of someone else raising my child though. I would miss the first rolling over, first crawling, first steps, first words..everything.

And before it's suggested, I cannot get a work-from-home job, it's impossible around here. My job now cannot be taken home. They can't give me something else to work on from home. It's either work full-time or quit and lose my paycheck and my insurance.

stupid pregnant girl

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 01:50:56 GMT

9 weeks 2 days

I don't know what's going on lately with the boy and I. It's not good, whatever it is. It feels like I can't even say one thing without him taking it the wrong way and making me feel bad for saying anything at all. I'm trying to so so hard to keep everything in check as far as my emotions and expectations. I'm trying to communicate with him how I'm feeling and what I need from him and all I get is "ok. sorry." Actions speak louder than words, and right now it's not looking so good.

I'm trying to remember that he is only human, that he can't read minds. So I tell him things, my feelings and hopes and fears, and I get nothing in return, nothing except wishing I would have never said anything in the first place. That's not how it should be. I don't expect to see him every single time I want to, I really don't. But is more than once a week really that much to ask for???

And yesterday morning when I woke up I was bleeding. It just stopped a couple of hours ago. Of course I was scared out of my mind that something would happen, that something was wrong with the baby. I tell him and I get NOTHING back. Is it so wrong to have wanted him to come over and be with me? That's all I wanted. I told him that last night and still got nothing in return, just "sorry. im trying." He says he's going to be there when I need him, don't know when I've needed him more than yesterday, and yet again nothing.

I don't know how else to talk to him. I'm spending time with him maybe once a week again. When we took our "break", that's what it was over. He TOLD ME he didn't care at all if he saw me at all or not, and of course I was falling for him and wanted to see him all of the time. And then I found out I was pregnant. I saw him all of the time those first few weeks, but now in the past 3 or so weeks it's back to once a week again.

I set myself up for failure, I really must. I should know by now that when he says he wants to see me that night, I have about a 10% chance of it actually happening. But if I don't seem excited then he gets upset and doesn't come over anyway. I can't win. And I can't stop myself from hoping.

I don't know what I expect from him. Sometimes I really think this would be so much easier if I were alone, I can't deal with this up-and-down crap..it's starting to wear on my sanity and my emotions and I am on edge all of the time. Between him and work, I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is WAY up, and that's not good for the baby.

Ugh. I think I just needed to whine about that. I am feeling unloved, neglected, and stupid.

Moody

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:19:23 GMT

I swear my pants are already starting to get tight. I don't notice it so much until after I eat and then sit down. It's quite depressing :(

8 weeks 1 day.

It's really hard for B to understand what I'm going through and why it's just not simple for me. I had an eating disorder pretty much all of my teenage years. My last relapse was worse than ever and it was only "better" 10 months ago. Even when it's "dormant", the thoughts are still there. It is so so hard to make myself eat what I need to, especially breakfast so I don't get sick. I haven't eaten breakfast in about 10 years. And it's hard to feel my pants getting tighter because I am eating more. I wish I could explain to him what I am going through in my head. It's NOT easy to eat just because I am pregnant now, that's definitely not the magic cure for an ED. If anything, it triggers it more. But I do what I can and hope for the best.

I really feel sorry for B, for having to put up with me. I've only gotten mad at him for one thing so far, and it's a repeat offense. It's VERY important to me, but I think I got my point across last night. I refuse to tell him to stop doing something because I don't want him to; he is going to do whatever he wants anyway. But it's something that if I don't tell him to stop I'm going to end up hating him, but if I tell him to stop he'll end up hating me.

I feel so moody lately. At work, every little thing makes me want to pull my hair out, like I'm going to have an anxiety attack at any moment, all day every day. But that's because I find them highly annoying. And regarding B, I either want to see him BADLY, or I want him to leave me the heck alone for a few days. It's been bouncing back and forth a lot more lately. I seem to miss him like crazy when I can't see him, or late at night. He came over last night and we talked about the above paragraph, and I asked him to stay the night with me. I'm really glad I did, they always say you should never go to bed angry, well I think you should never leave angry either (in most cases). It was nice to crawl back into bed and have him wrap his arms around me.

I'm trying hard to not think of this as a horrible thing, this baby thing. It's definitely the end of my life as I know it. I'm nowhere ready to be a mom, and I was really starting to believe that it was never going to change nor did I want it to. But really, things are pretty good in most aspects of my life anyway. I have an easy job, I don't have many bills to worry about right now (but don't we all need more money??). And of all the guys I have dated in my life, I am glad that if a baby was in the picture, that it's with him. He has totally amazed me in everything lately. Most guys in this situation would have left, or gotten angry and said very mean things to me. It amazes me, it really does. He is ready, he is talking about WE, he is being totally supportive of everything. I am very glad to have him in my life.

I'll leave y'all with something my best friend laughed so hard at she cried. So I've been pretty fortunate in the fact that I have only thrown up twice during this pregnancy. I am nauseated about 5 hours a day, though, and wish I could just get sick sometimes. Anyway, the other night B came over and said something TOTALLY romantic. Unfortunately, at the same moment, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I think it made him feel bad! hahaha, only I have such awesome timing ;)

Resentful

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:49:24 GMT

So, I'm feeling a little resentful tonight. Okay, a LOT resentful. All of my friends are out tonight having fun, drinking and smoking and partying and being stupid and care-free. Even B (baby daddy) is out getting drunk with his friends. It's hard to smile and say "yes, you go ahead and have fun". I wanted to scream "No! You're going to have a child too in 8 months! Stay with me!" but I don't want his friends to hate me more than they do (because I"m taking him away from them).

So it's 8:30 on a Friday night and I've been in my pjs for an hour. I'm in such a foul mood. It's not fair. I want to have fun. I want to go out and be stupid. I want to forget that I'm pregnant. I want to get drunk and forget. I want to take a pain pill for my kidney infection. I want to take some Nyquil so I can sleep through the night again, especially since I have a sinus infection. But I can't do anything. B is constantly saying that he is right there with me, he's in this 100%. Really? Cause I don't see him around...that's not fair, I'm sorry. But really, he doesn't have to deal with morning sickness 24-7 or SORE breasts or bloating or the horrendus fatigue. He doesn't have to stop drinking and smoking and taking medicine (although he swears he will..). He just has no idea how hard it is. And then gets mad at me when I say that I am tired of this already, that I don't want to do it and that I just want to go back to the way it was. Does that make me a horrible person????

I've tried explaining it to him in every way that I can think of, yet he still doesn't get it. And I do realize that he never fully will. But he thinks I'm upset because "he did this to me". I don't know how many times or ways I can tell him that's not the case. I don't want to ruin his life by telling him that I don't want him doing certain things.

Today has just been a bad day all around. I've been having a lot of intense pains lately, I thought I was going to have to leave work this morning, and would have if it weren't for the B*s I work with (which is a whole other entry). And I found out that my insurance doesn't kick in next week like it should, it's going to start in December. So I have to decide when to do my first prenatal visit, and then see how long I can wait after to do another. I have a $500 deductible, so pretty much I'm going to end up paying that in December and then another $500 in January. Did I mention I already have about $2000 in medical bills I"m still trying to pay off? And then had to have $800 in work on my car last week? How exactly am I supposed to pull another $1000 out of my rear-end by January?

Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed and neglected. By the time I see B again it will have been over a week. I'm just always in a bad mood lately, I guess that's part of it? The last time I saw him I was in one of my anti-social moods, and the time before we got in a HUGE fight about having an abortion and I ended up leaving bawling. It's just better if I stay away from him right now, I do resent him a LOT these past few days, and I can't even place what exactly it is.

Ok, I feel like I have to say this: B is not a bad guy. I'm probably making him sound like that cause I'm angry with the world right now. He is going to be a great dad and I know he is going to be there for me. I guess this is what they say by "irrational pregnant woman?" :) haha

6 wks 3 days

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 23:42:11 GMT

Here's the only warning you'll probably get from me. I'm vulgar, and tend to speak what's on my mind....

I've been trying to read everything I can on pregnancy and delivery. And quite frankly, I should STOP. I'm only scaring myself. I didn't know that AFTER the labor was so horrible too! I don't want to wear a diaper (as my friend so lovely put it) for a week afterward! I don't want everyone in there while there is so much gunk coming out that I can't even cover up and while they are putting ice on my hoo-ha! My loving friends keep telling me that "it's not that bad". Not that bad like it only hurts for a day or two? Or not that bad like you cut your hand off but it could have been your whole arm???

And another stupid thing I "fear" is B being there with me through everything. We have not gotten to that level of comfort yet, I still don't like for him to see me naked during the day! I don't want him in there with me at my OB appointments while they're poking and prodding on me, and I'm sure he doesn't either. But he insists on coming...is there a polite way to tell him to get out without hurting his feelings?

On a different note, I'm ready to start feeling better ASAP! The horrible nausea hasn't happened in a week or so. I am trying to "graze" all day though so I don't get hungry, because that makes me feel really sick. I am still exhausted all of the time, I could go to bed right after work every day! I'm not used to that, because I have always been the type that easily stays up until 1 or 2am and gets up at 6:30am no problem. Not anymore! I'm sleeping from about 10-7:15, and sometimes even taking naps right when I get home.

Smells are getting a little better. My other job is a restaurant so I get pretty queasy there still. Spaghetti smells absolutely awful. And vinegar/wine, my stomach turns just thinking about it. My boss is taking us out for lunch at Olive Garden tomorrow, I'm afraid that I can't sit in front of the salads without throwing up, much less trying to act like nothing is wrong!

Well, so I'm obviously pretty boring tonight. I'm so tired and it's only 7:30. I guess I should get all the sleep I can while it's still possible!

5 weeks

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 18:24:21 GMT

Hi again. So it's been 6 days since I found out. I'm getting used to the idea of the fact.

I did tell B on Tuesday. Not how I wanted it to happen, but I did tell him. And his response to it absolutely blew me away. He is HAPPY. He was never really scared, never upset, doesn't blame me for anything. It's crazy. He is being totally supportive of everything, he wants this, wants me, and wants it to work. I know he is going to be a good dad, I never had a doubt about that. I do feel so relieved about that.

I told my mom last night as well. I thought she was going to seriously have a heart attack. She didn't say much of anything (read: she only asked me if I was sure. Um, yeah, I wouldnt tell you if I wasn't!!!), and now she's ignoring the fact that I said anything at all. Told my sister too, she is annoyingly happy about it.

So..how am I feeling? I feel like I haven't slept in about 4 days, when in reality I'm sleeping about 10 hours a day (including a daily nap). If anything it's getting worse this week. I'm also having horrible "morning" sickness. That means I'm usually sick every 2 hours all day long. I even woke up at 1:30 this morning so I could puke. I thought you couldn't be sick in your sleep?! Guess that's wrong! Mornings are usually worse though. I have crackers on my headboard and I try to eat some before I even sit up in the morning, but it's not helping at all.

Tonight is going to be long. I'm babysitting my godson (who is 15 months) all weekend. So I'm not getting a break at all, I'm constantly picking him up which is KILLING my sore back, AND I have to go to my other job and work all night in an hour. I work at a restaurant, so it's not like I can just sit on my butt all night, no it's going to be constant walking and moving and lifting and...just shoot me now :(

Oh, I was also mistaken on how far I am. According to any doctor, I am technically 5 weeks today, even though that is physically impossible...(more like 3 weeks)

Here's My Sob Story

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:32:42 GMT

Hello all, welcome to my first post. I figured I should document this somewhere where no one could find me, and what better place than the internet! haha ;)

Where to even begin? You can call me Lea. I'm 22 years old. I work full-time and part-time and also go to school. Stressed doesn't even begin to describe it!

Here's a logical place to start: so I met this guy a couple of months ago. I went to HS with him but didn't really hang out with him. We'll call him, uh, B (for boy). Things were going great until this past weekend. We went from wanting to spend every minute with him to him not caring if he saw me at all. That made it sound way worse than it was, but that's the jist of it. He decided he needed a break to figure out what he truly wants. Ok, whatever, I do understand that and I respect his decision. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly know if he wants to be with me. That's understandable, right? He has said that he likes me and I make him very happy. But again, there's more to it and I understand it.

I'll stop to say that we are still making pleasant conversation. Obviously we have become really close in the past few months, he's a very dear friend to me. I am thankful for this.

Keep in mind that was Friday night. Sunday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test ONLY because I spotted Friday and Saturday and I've never in my life done that. Peed on the stick, sat in the floor so I wouldn't be staring at it for 4 minutes. I honest-to-God knew it was negative. Timer goes off. I get up. I look.

It was positive.

Enter freak-out mode. Total shock, uncontrolable crying, and then denial. I spent the afternoon at my bff's house trying to think of every possible reason why the test is wrong. I came up with some very clever ones haha :D Took another one last night and watched it; within 30 seconds it was already positive. To say that I didn't get any work done today is an understatement. Took another one about an hour ago, of course it was positive too.

So now B is texting me asking me what's wrong. "Just stress" "From what?" "Life. When isn't my life full of drama?" "like what?" YOU, you are stressing me out. I told YOU not to do that and you did so now I'm knocked up. YOU, because you can't make up your darn mind about wanting to be with me. And YOU because I can't tell you until you decide about me.

Well, I COULD tell him, but I won't. If he decides that he doesn't truly like ME, why in the heck should a baby change that? I don't want someone to be with me out of pity. It is very hard to not tell him. This is going to change his life, if he chooses to. If not, then there's the door. I have enough friends and family that I know I can do this on my own if I have to. I've never been rejected AND pregnant, I'm sure it's going to suck.

(sidenote: No, I don't truly blame him for everything. It DOES take 2 to make a baby. I get that.)

So yeah. I'm pregnant. I can't even get my head around that fact. I'm only about a week along, too. Guess the timing was just right for everything, cause I doubt 3 different tests are going to lie. I think I'm going to go take a nap and try to stop worrying about it. There's nothing I can do now anyway...