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Monday, 10 November 2008

Moody

I swear my pants are already starting to get tight. I don't notice it so much until after I eat and then sit down. It's quite depressing :(
8 weeks 1 day.
It's really hard for B to understand what I'm going through and why it's just not simple for me. I had an eating disorder pretty much all of my teenage years. My last relapse was worse than ever and it was only "better" 10 months ago. Even when it's "dormant", the thoughts are still there. It is so so hard to make myself eat what I need to, especially breakfast so I don't get sick. I haven't eaten breakfast in about 10 years. And it's hard to feel my pants getting tighter because I am eating more. I wish I could explain to him what I am going through in my head. It's NOT easy to eat just because I am pregnant now, that's definitely not the magic cure for an ED. If anything, it triggers it more. But I do what I can and hope for the best.
I really feel sorry for B, for having to put up with me. I've only gotten mad at him for one thing so far, and it's a repeat offense. It's VERY important to me, but I think I got my point across last night. I refuse to tell him to stop doing something because I don't want him to; he is going to do whatever he wants anyway. But it's something that if I don't tell him to stop I'm going to end up hating him, but if I tell him to stop he'll end up hating me.
I feel so moody lately. At work, every little thing makes me want to pull my hair out, like I'm going to have an anxiety attack at any moment, all day every day. But that's because I find them highly annoying. And regarding B, I either want to see him BADLY, or I want him to leave me the heck alone for a few days. It's been bouncing back and forth a lot more lately. I seem to miss him like crazy when I can't see him, or late at night. He came over last night and we talked about the above paragraph, and I asked him to stay the night with me. I'm really glad I did, they always say you should never go to bed angry, well I think you should never leave angry either (in most cases). It was nice to crawl back into bed and have him wrap his arms around me.
I'm trying hard to not think of this as a horrible thing, this baby thing. It's definitely the end of my life as I know it. I'm nowhere ready to be a mom, and I was really starting to believe that it was never going to change nor did I want it to. But really, things are pretty good in most aspects of my life anyway. I have an easy job, I don't have many bills to worry about right now (but don't we all need more money??). And of all the guys I have dated in my life, I am glad that if a baby was in the picture, that it's with him. He has totally amazed me in everything lately. Most guys in this situation would have left, or gotten angry and said very mean things to me. It amazes me, it really does. He is ready, he is talking about WE, he is being totally supportive of everything. I am very glad to have him in my life.
I'll leave y'all with something my best friend laughed so hard at she cried. So I've been pretty fortunate in the fact that I have only thrown up twice during this pregnancy. I am nauseated about 5 hours a day, though, and wish I could just get sick sometimes. Anyway, the other night B came over and said something TOTALLY romantic. Unfortunately, at the same moment, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I think it made him feel bad! hahaha, only I have such awesome timing ;)

Friday, 31 October 2008

Resentful

So, I'm feeling a little resentful tonight. Okay, a LOT resentful. All of my friends are out tonight having fun, drinking and smoking and partying and being stupid and care-free. Even B (baby daddy) is out getting drunk with his friends. It's hard to smile and say "yes, you go ahead and have fun". I wanted to scream "No! You're going to have a child too in 8 months! Stay with me!" but I don't want his friends to hate me more than they do (because I"m taking him away from them).
So it's 8:30 on a Friday night and I've been in my pjs for an hour. I'm in such a foul mood. It's not fair. I want to have fun. I want to go out and be stupid. I want to forget that I'm pregnant. I want to get drunk and forget. I want to take a pain pill for my kidney infection. I want to take some Nyquil so I can sleep through the night again, especially since I have a sinus infection. But I can't do anything. B is constantly saying that he is right there with me, he's in this 100%. Really? Cause I don't see him around...that's not fair, I'm sorry. But really, he doesn't have to deal with morning sickness 24-7 or SORE breasts or bloating or the horrendus fatigue. He doesn't have to stop drinking and smoking and taking medicine (although he swears he will..). He just has no idea how hard it is. And then gets mad at me when I say that I am tired of this already, that I don't want to do it and that I just want to go back to the way it was. Does that make me a horrible person????
I've tried explaining it to him in every way that I can think of, yet he still doesn't get it. And I do realize that he never fully will. But he thinks I'm upset because "he did this to me". I don't know how many times or ways I can tell him that's not the case. I don't want to ruin his life by telling him that I don't want him doing certain things.
Today has just been a bad day all around. I've been having a lot of intense pains lately, I thought I was going to have to leave work this morning, and would have if it weren't for the B*s I work with (which is a whole other entry). And I found out that my insurance doesn't kick in next week like it should, it's going to start in December. So I have to decide when to do my first prenatal visit, and then see how long I can wait after to do another. I have a $500 deductible, so pretty much I'm going to end up paying that in December and then another $500 in January. Did I mention I already have about $2000 in medical bills I"m still trying to pay off? And then had to have $800 in work on my car last week? How exactly am I supposed to pull another $1000 out of my rear-end by January?
Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed and neglected. By the time I see B again it will have been over a week. I'm just always in a bad mood lately, I guess that's part of it? The last time I saw him I was in one of my anti-social moods, and the time before we got in a HUGE fight about having an abortion and I ended up leaving bawling. It's just better if I stay away from him right now, I do resent him a LOT these past few days, and I can't even place what exactly it is.
Ok, I feel like I have to say this: B is not a bad guy. I'm probably making him sound like that cause I'm angry with the world right now. He is going to be a great dad and I know he is going to be there for me. I guess this is what they say by "irrational pregnant woman?" :) haha

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

6 wks 3 days

Here's the only warning you'll probably get from me. I'm vulgar, and tend to speak what's on my mind....
I've been trying to read everything I can on pregnancy and delivery. And quite frankly, I should STOP. I'm only scaring myself. I didn't know that AFTER the labor was so horrible too! I don't want to wear a diaper (as my friend so lovely put it) for a week afterward! I don't want everyone in there while there is so much gunk coming out that I can't even cover up and while they are putting ice on my hoo-ha! My loving friends keep telling me that "it's not that bad". Not that bad like it only hurts for a day or two? Or not that bad like you cut your hand off but it could have been your whole arm???
And another stupid thing I "fear" is B being there with me through everything. We have not gotten to that level of comfort yet, I still don't like for him to see me naked during the day! I don't want him in there with me at my OB appointments while they're poking and prodding on me, and I'm sure he doesn't either. But he insists on coming...is there a polite way to tell him to get out without hurting his feelings?
On a different note, I'm ready to start feeling better ASAP! The horrible nausea hasn't happened in a week or so. I am trying to "graze" all day though so I don't get hungry, because that makes me feel really sick. I am still exhausted all of the time, I could go to bed right after work every day! I'm not used to that, because I have always been the type that easily stays up until 1 or 2am and gets up at 6:30am no problem. Not anymore! I'm sleeping from about 10-7:15, and sometimes even taking naps right when I get home.
Smells are getting a little better. My other job is a restaurant so I get pretty queasy there still. Spaghetti smells absolutely awful. And vinegar/wine, my stomach turns just thinking about it. My boss is taking us out for lunch at Olive Garden tomorrow, I'm afraid that I can't sit in front of the salads without throwing up, much less trying to act like nothing is wrong!
Well, so I'm obviously pretty boring tonight. I'm so tired and it's only 7:30. I guess I should get all the sleep I can while it's still possible!

Saturday, 18 October 2008

5 weeks

Hi again. So it's been 6 days since I found out. I'm getting used to the idea of the fact.
I did tell B on Tuesday. Not how I wanted it to happen, but I did tell him. And his response to it absolutely blew me away. He is HAPPY. He was never really scared, never upset, doesn't blame me for anything. It's crazy. He is being totally supportive of everything, he wants this, wants me, and wants it to work. I know he is going to be a good dad, I never had a doubt about that. I do feel so relieved about that.
I told my mom last night as well. I thought she was going to seriously have a heart attack. She didn't say much of anything (read: she only asked me if I was sure. Um, yeah, I wouldnt tell you if I wasn't!!!), and now she's ignoring the fact that I said anything at all. Told my sister too, she is annoyingly happy about it.
So..how am I feeling? I feel like I haven't slept in about 4 days, when in reality I'm sleeping about 10 hours a day (including a daily nap). If anything it's getting worse this week. I'm also having horrible "morning" sickness. That means I'm usually sick every 2 hours all day long. I even woke up at 1:30 this morning so I could puke. I thought you couldn't be sick in your sleep?! Guess that's wrong! Mornings are usually worse though. I have crackers on my headboard and I try to eat some before I even sit up in the morning, but it's not helping at all.
Tonight is going to be long. I'm babysitting my godson (who is 15 months) all weekend. So I'm not getting a break at all, I'm constantly picking him up which is KILLING my sore back, AND I have to go to my other job and work all night in an hour. I work at a restaurant, so it's not like I can just sit on my butt all night, no it's going to be constant walking and moving and lifting and...just shoot me now :(
Oh, I was also mistaken on how far I am. According to any doctor, I am technically 5 weeks today, even though that is physically impossible...(more like 3 weeks)

Monday, 13 October 2008

Here's My Sob Story

Hello all, welcome to my first post. I figured I should document this somewhere where no one could find me, and what better place than the internet! haha ;)
Where to even begin? You can call me Lea. I'm 22 years old. I work full-time and part-time and also go to school. Stressed doesn't even begin to describe it!
Here's a logical place to start: so I met this guy a couple of months ago. I went to HS with him but didn't really hang out with him. We'll call him, uh, B (for boy). Things were going great until this past weekend. We went from wanting to spend every minute with him to him not caring if he saw me at all. That made it sound way worse than it was, but that's the jist of it. He decided he needed a break to figure out what he truly wants. Ok, whatever, I do understand that and I respect his decision. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly know if he wants to be with me. That's understandable, right? He has said that he likes me and I make him very happy. But again, there's more to it and I understand it.
I'll stop to say that we are still making pleasant conversation. Obviously we have become really close in the past few months, he's a very dear friend to me. I am thankful for this.
Keep in mind that was Friday night. Sunday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test ONLY because I spotted Friday and Saturday and I've never in my life done that. Peed on the stick, sat in the floor so I wouldn't be staring at it for 4 minutes. I honest-to-God knew it was negative. Timer goes off. I get up. I look.
It was positive.
Enter freak-out mode. Total shock, uncontrolable crying, and then denial. I spent the afternoon at my bff's house trying to think of every possible reason why the test is wrong. I came up with some very clever ones haha :D Took another one last night and watched it; within 30 seconds it was already positive. To say that I didn't get any work done today is an understatement. Took another one about an hour ago, of course it was positive too.
So now B is texting me asking me what's wrong. "Just stress" "From what?" "Life. When isn't my life full of drama?" "like what?" YOU, you are stressing me out. I told YOU not to do that and you did so now I'm knocked up. YOU, because you can't make up your darn mind about wanting to be with me. And YOU because I can't tell you until you decide about me.
Well, I COULD tell him, but I won't. If he decides that he doesn't truly like ME, why in the heck should a baby change that? I don't want someone to be with me out of pity. It is very hard to not tell him. This is going to change his life, if he chooses to. If not, then there's the door. I have enough friends and family that I know I can do this on my own if I have to. I've never been rejected AND pregnant, I'm sure it's going to suck.
(sidenote: No, I don't truly blame him for everything. It DOES take 2 to make a baby. I get that.)
So yeah. I'm pregnant. I can't even get my head around that fact. I'm only about a week along, too. Guess the timing was just right for everything, cause I doubt 3 different tests are going to lie. I think I'm going to go take a nap and try to stop worrying about it. There's nothing I can do now anyway...