Monday, 17 November 2008
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stupid pregnant girl
9 weeks 2 days
I don't know what's going on lately with the boy and I. It's not good, whatever it is. It feels like I can't even say one thing without him taking it the wrong way and making me feel bad for saying anything at all. I'm trying to so so hard to keep everything in check as far as my emotions and expectations. I'm trying to communicate with him how I'm feeling and what I need from him and all I get is "ok. sorry." Actions speak louder than words, and right now it's not looking so good.
I'm trying to remember that he is only human, that he can't read minds. So I tell him things, my feelings and hopes and fears, and I get nothing in return, nothing except wishing I would have never said anything in the first place. That's not how it should be. I don't expect to see him every single time I want to, I really don't. But is more than once a week really that much to ask for???
And yesterday morning when I woke up I was bleeding. It just stopped a couple of hours ago. Of course I was scared out of my mind that something would happen, that something was wrong with the baby. I tell him and I get NOTHING back. Is it so wrong to have wanted him to come over and be with me? That's all I wanted. I told him that last night and still got nothing in return, just "sorry. im trying." He says he's going to be there when I need him, don't know when I've needed him more than yesterday, and yet again nothing.
I don't know how else to talk to him. I'm spending time with him maybe once a week again. When we took our "break", that's what it was over. He TOLD ME he didn't care at all if he saw me at all or not, and of course I was falling for him and wanted to see him all of the time. And then I found out I was pregnant. I saw him all of the time those first few weeks, but now in the past 3 or so weeks it's back to once a week again.
I set myself up for failure, I really must. I should know by now that when he says he wants to see me that night, I have about a 10% chance of it actually happening. But if I don't seem excited then he gets upset and doesn't come over anyway. I can't win. And I can't stop myself from hoping.
I don't know what I expect from him. Sometimes I really think this would be so much easier if I were alone, I can't deal with this up-and-down crap..it's starting to wear on my sanity and my emotions and I am on edge all of the time. Between him and work, I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is WAY up, and that's not good for the baby.
Ugh. I think I just needed to whine about that. I am feeling unloved, neglected, and stupid.
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Comments (5)
I'm sorry.
In all likelihood he is feeling extremely overwhelmed at impending responsibility the same as you. Or he has other issues.
For now, take care of yourself. Relax. (Have you seen an OB yet? Bleeding is not a good sign). Worry about yourself and your baby. The boy will either come around or he won't. That is his decision and there's no need to stress yourself out about it.
@TornadoChaser - when I called a OB's office today, the receptionist rudely told me that I either had to wait until my insurance kicks in (in December), or bring $1100 to the appointment and pay up-front. I started crying and told her to just forget it. A couple of hours later a nurse from the same place called me and talked to me. She said that given my symptoms it's just my body still adjusting. I did quit bleeding, which is a relief. I hope I can make it til December without having to go (although I have a $500 ded. I'll meet and then starts over again right in January...) Do they REALLY wonder why people can't get prenatal care? I work 2 jobs and have insurance and STILL qualified to apply for medicaid. Hopefully I will get accepted.
@beautifulsurprise - That's crazy about the rude woman. I'm glad it stopped.
Honestly, the first 12 weeks of prenatal care is pretty minor as long as you are taking vitamins and not over stressing yourself. It's mostly about paper work and such. Seriously, take care of yourself.
I have to agree with tornadochaser. With the amount of stress that you seem to be under, the bleeding could just be your body adjusting, but please take it as easy as possible.
If there is one thing I have learned, you can't make anyone be what you want them to be. The boy will either get it together or he won't. You need to focus on you and the little one growing inside you and do your best to let the other stuff figure its self out. I know, easy for me to say and very difficult for you to do.
Next time you get on the phone with the rude woman, ask to speak to someone else. I find it very hard to believe that the doctor would not work out some payment arrangement and allow you to come in for a quick check. I hate rude people.
Hugs to you and I hope things get better. Take a nice relaxing bath and keep telling yourself that you and that baby are what matters and to heck with the boy.
I agree with everyone above! I'm very sorry that you and the boy are having difficulties, I think and the main thing is to keep yourself healthy and to try no to stress to much. And that receptionist was VERY rude, I dont see how they would not set up a payment plan with you, especially since you are working 2 jobs and everything! People these days are so freakin rude.
Hoping you have a good day with as little stress as possible.