Monday, 10 November 2008

• Moody

  I swear my pants are already starting to get tight. I don't notice it so much until after I eat and then sit down. It's quite depressing :(

  8 weeks 1 day.

  It's really hard for B to understand what I'm going through and why it's just not simple for me. I had an eating disorder pretty much all of my teenage years. My last relapse was worse than ever and it was only "better" 10 months ago. Even when it's "dormant", the thoughts are still there. It is so so hard to make myself eat what I need to, especially breakfast so I don't get sick. I haven't eaten breakfast in about 10 years. And it's hard to feel my pants getting tighter because I am eating more. I wish I could explain to him what I am going through in my head. It's NOT easy to eat just because I am pregnant now, that's definitely not the magic cure for an ED. If anything, it triggers it more. But I do what I can and hope for the best.

  I really feel sorry for B, for having to put up with me. I've only gotten mad at him for one thing so far, and it's a repeat offense. It's VERY important to me, but I think I got my point across last night. I refuse to tell him to stop doing something because I don't want him to; he is going to do whatever he wants anyway. But it's something that if I don't tell him to stop I'm going to end up hating him, but if I tell him to stop he'll end up hating me.

  I feel so moody lately. At work, every little thing makes me want to pull my hair out, like I'm going to have an anxiety attack at any moment, all day every day. But that's because I find them highly annoying. And regarding B, I either want to see him BADLY, or I want him to leave me the heck alone for a few days. It's been bouncing back and forth a lot more lately. I seem to miss him like crazy when I can't see him, or late at night. He came over last night and we talked about the above paragraph, and I asked him to stay the night with me. I'm really glad I did, they always say you should never go to bed angry, well I think you should never leave angry either (in most cases). It was nice to crawl back into bed and have him wrap his arms around me.

  I'm trying hard to not think of this as a horrible thing, this baby thing. It's definitely the end of my life as I know it. I'm nowhere ready to be a mom, and I was really starting to believe that it was never going to change nor did I want it to. But really, things are pretty good in most aspects of my life anyway. I have an easy job, I don't have many bills to worry about right now (but don't we all need more money??). And of all the guys I have dated in my life, I am glad that if a baby was in the picture, that it's with him. He has totally amazed me in everything lately. Most guys in this situation would have left, or gotten angry and said very mean things to me. It amazes me, it really does. He is ready, he is talking about WE, he is being totally supportive of everything. I am very glad to have him in my life.

  I'll leave y'all with something my best friend laughed so hard at she cried.  So I've been pretty fortunate in the fact that I have only thrown up twice during this pregnancy.  I am nauseated about 5 hours a day, though, and wish I could just get sick sometimes.  Anyway, the other night B came over and said something TOTALLY romantic.  Unfortunately, at the same moment, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I think it made him feel bad!  hahaha, only I have such awesome timing ;)

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