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Friday, 27 February 2009

Sex and Pregnancy

Whoever told my boyfriend that pregnant women wanted sex even more should be shot.
I'll get right to the point of my blog today. How do you have sex during pregnancy? Where exactly does that urge come from?
I must be having a harder time than most. I would like nothing more than to go to bed at promptly 6:45 every night. My boyfriend doesn't get home from work until 8:30pm usually, and then has to eat and take a shower and wind down before he comes to bed. So by 10 he's ready for sex and I, well I would like nothing more than to spike his toothpaste with Nyquil. (I kid, I kid) It's only 8:00 on a Friday night and I am so tired from the week that my muscles are tingling with tiredness. As I write this, the dryer buzzer goes off and I must get through another 2 loads of laundry before bed..
Also, how does one feel sexy during pregnancy? I felt sexy up until about 15 weeks. Now at 24 weeks I feel like I whale. Everything on my body is changing and blimping up and I have cellulite for the first time ever. How on earth could he find me attractive? He tells me he thinks I am sexy, only when I mention it (rarely anymore), and only because he knows better than to tell a pregnant woman she is unattractive.
I keep thinking of something I read: in order to keep the romance alive, married couples should have sex 3-5 times a week. A week! Among my married friends, the number ranges from 2-5. Seriously? I'm not entirely sure we've had sex 5 times during my entire pregnancy. It's to the point where if I say something suggestive he laughs at me and tells me to stop teasing him. "But I'm not teasing you." "Yeah right. *turns on tv*" Obviously it's not always been like this, or I wouldn't be in my current pregnant state.
I am trying though, I am not giving up that easily. I rented a hotel room for tomorrow night to get away from everything. He doesn't know this yet. I am already dreading him expecting sex.
Any advice for a frustrated pregnant girl?

Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Homicide Is Wrong

I find myself repeating that phrase many times per day. Stress is completely enveloping every aspect of my life right now. Everyone tells me to not stress during pregnancy, I'd like to smack them upside the head most of the time.
Oh, hey, happy sidenote: I find out if it's a boy or girl on January 30th! I'm 16 1/2 weeks now, I can't wait to start feeling it move. Maybe it will make it seem more real...
First of all, my grandma is in the hospital 2 1/2 hours away and was only given until this past Sunday to live. By some miracle she is still alive, barely, but it's agonizing every time my phone goes off or I get an email notification. Is this it? It's really wearing on me. And the 5 hour drive I've made 3 out of the past 5 days.
Not to mention that my family is driving me absolutely crazy. And I do mean C-R-A-Z-Y. My aunt is the only one who can update us regularly on my grandma's condition, and she is crazy. Seriously, she really is not all there. She is nice and I love her and all, but she has lost touch with reality a LONG time ago. It's worse now because she keeps relaying positive things, yet everyone else knows that these things are totally imaginary. Now I feel like a horrible person because I want to believe my grandma is going to make it, but at the same time every time I hear something positive I have to remind myself that it's not true and that she's dying. That's so very hard to do.
Next, I am trying not to kill the BF. I don't know why, but I am taking everything he says so seriously and defensively. We have gotten in a fight every night for the past week. I get upset and then I get defensive and then we argue. One time it was because he said "I have to invite you..." and I went off about how I don't need his pity or charity. He made me feel bad one night because I didn't want to go anywhere that night, right after my grandma was put in the hospital. And another time it was over sex. I had been up there in the hospital for 3 days straight, I finally come home and he said he wants more sex in general to be close and make me feel good. Um, I don't need sex in order to feel better about us, and really? I'm supposed to be In The Mood when my grandma is dying? Puh-leeze.
I don't even know why I am getting so upset about everything he says. I think I still resent him for everything. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want my whole life to change in just a couple of months, I want to go hang out with my friends and party and drink and not have to be in bed by 10pm. He still has his life, he still parties with his friends. We have fought about this before.
You know when the last time I saw him 2 days in a row was? Yeah, me either. I brought that up, and his reason was "I just think you'll get sick of me. I'm just scared I push you the wrong ways." Living with someone is a huge step, it's a huge stressor to get used to anyway. I'm pretty sure adding a baby to that is NOT going to help the situation.
The "M" word (marriage) was thrown around the other night. I said "I think I want to M you someday" and then promptly had a panic attack. The last relationship I was in, we were engaged. I haven't even dated anyone since then, until BF. I'm still not completely over those trust issues, and the way I feel now I'm not sure if I ever will be. I do honestly believe that BF loves me and will stay with me, and that he wants to spend his life with me. But other guys have said that to me and they all left end the end. I'm just protecting myself. But by doing that I am also pushing away something that could be the Real Deal.
I thought writing about everything would make me feel better, more at ease, but it hasn't. Sorry.

Friday, 12 December 2008

I saw the baby!

So I went in for my first appointment last week (11 weeks). At the end of it, the nurse said "let's go find the heartbeat if you want." I didn't even know it was an option. So we go into a room and she tries to find it with the little machine thing first. She couldn't find it, so she waited a minute and then tried again. She searched for about 5 minutes and couldn't find anything. No one told me not to freak out, by the way. Then she announces that I need to have an ultrasound "to make sure it's growing well" (might as well have said 'to make sure it's not dead'). So she sticks B and I back out in the waiting room and I'm trying not to bawl and of course he's all happy and talking and I just want to tell him to shut up but I couldn't even talk.
So they take us into the ultrasound room finally and there it was, wiggling around. She couldn't find the heartbeat because it wouldn't stop moving. You could see the legs and a foot, and in both of the pictures we got to take home the right hand is sticking up. It was pretty cute that once I calmed down it stopped moving.
It was so surreal, I had to remind myself that it wasn't on tv, that's really MY baby. That is so amazing they can do that, that they can give me a picture of my baby when it's not even 3 months old.

Sunday, 30 November 2008

How do you not work???

How is it even possible to be a stay at home mom? I would love to be able to stay with my child once it is born, but there is something called bills..my bills alone take up 1/2 of what I bring home. And daycare around here is, for the CHEAPEST, at least $600 a month (which is the other half of my money). So that leaves no money for diapers, clothes, doctors visits, etc. The father is going to help out but he is in the same boat I am right now, bills take up the majority of what we bring home. So how do I do it? Even if I quit, I would still have to work part-time somewhere to be able to make enough to pay my bills.
My problem is that I have only worked at my current job for 4 months. I can't march in there and demand a raise (plus they aren't going to give me the $2/hr more I would need). I feel like I am using them if I leave right after my maternity leave. (Plus, they would just fire me anyway if I told them I didn't plan on coming back..so there's 6 weeks of money gone when I can't work). I'd lose my insurance before the baby is born and would have the hospital bill out-of-pocket. But if I take my maternity leave, and come back for a couple of weeks and then quit, it just doesn't seem fair to the employer.
I can't stand the thought of someone else raising my child though. I would miss the first rolling over, first crawling, first steps, first words..everything.
And before it's suggested, I cannot get a work-from-home job, it's impossible around here. My job now cannot be taken home. They can't give me something else to work on from home. It's either work full-time or quit and lose my paycheck and my insurance.

Monday, 17 November 2008

stupid pregnant girl

9 weeks 2 days
I don't know what's going on lately with the boy and I. It's not good, whatever it is. It feels like I can't even say one thing without him taking it the wrong way and making me feel bad for saying anything at all. I'm trying to so so hard to keep everything in check as far as my emotions and expectations. I'm trying to communicate with him how I'm feeling and what I need from him and all I get is "ok. sorry." Actions speak louder than words, and right now it's not looking so good.
I'm trying to remember that he is only human, that he can't read minds. So I tell him things, my feelings and hopes and fears, and I get nothing in return, nothing except wishing I would have never said anything in the first place. That's not how it should be. I don't expect to see him every single time I want to, I really don't. But is more than once a week really that much to ask for???
And yesterday morning when I woke up I was bleeding. It just stopped a couple of hours ago. Of course I was scared out of my mind that something would happen, that something was wrong with the baby. I tell him and I get NOTHING back. Is it so wrong to have wanted him to come over and be with me? That's all I wanted. I told him that last night and still got nothing in return, just "sorry. im trying." He says he's going to be there when I need him, don't know when I've needed him more than yesterday, and yet again nothing.
I don't know how else to talk to him. I'm spending time with him maybe once a week again. When we took our "break", that's what it was over. He TOLD ME he didn't care at all if he saw me at all or not, and of course I was falling for him and wanted to see him all of the time. And then I found out I was pregnant. I saw him all of the time those first few weeks, but now in the past 3 or so weeks it's back to once a week again.
I set myself up for failure, I really must. I should know by now that when he says he wants to see me that night, I have about a 10% chance of it actually happening. But if I don't seem excited then he gets upset and doesn't come over anyway. I can't win. And I can't stop myself from hoping.
I don't know what I expect from him. Sometimes I really think this would be so much easier if I were alone, I can't deal with this up-and-down crap..it's starting to wear on my sanity and my emotions and I am on edge all of the time. Between him and work, I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is WAY up, and that's not good for the baby.
Ugh. I think I just needed to whine about that. I am feeling unloved, neglected, and stupid.